When I went in for IUI (intrauterine insemination) to "up" my chances of pregnancy, my doc asked if it was okay for an intern to sit in because she had never seen one done. Fine. So my doc, the intern, and a nurse were crowded around my lady parts like it was the family room television. During the very quick and painless procedure, the radio was playing "Girls, Girls, Girls" by Motley Crue, and I told my doctor that if I had three girls I was blaming her (turns out I wasn't far off). When the procedure or nature worked it's magic, and I became pregnant, I was probed (literally) every two weeks, and at some points every week by a team of specialists, plus my regular ob. You get pretty mechanical about it all. All of this was due to a multiple pregnancy, but also because of my "advanced maternal age" (boy, I never got tired of hearing that one).
Anyhooo, this year's appointment was the same level of casual. I made it through the whole thing before I off handedly mentioned that I was feeling extra...um...stabby during my PMS days, which by the by were starting to eclipse my regular days almost entirely. I think I have a four day window of non-crazy to look forward to every month. I'd just Hulk out over the dumbest stuff that during my luxurious 4 day window, roll right off my back. Over the summer I even had a panic attack in a consignment shop while on what normally would have been a lovely outing with my sister. Well, my doctor told me, and I quote, "Welcome to your forties. PMS is going to be like that now." Which pretty much reminded me of this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzEhoyXpqzQ
Um, WHAT??? I have NEVER heard of this raging-40's-PMS thing. I feel very (unsurprisingly) angry about this. He said my options are exercising for 45 minutes a day....pfft, yeah right, next. Taking an antidepressant every day, or lastly having a script on hand for a "break glass in case of rage blackout" kind of thing. I went with the last option- and have only broken the glass twice. I think just having it on hand calms me down. Also actually taking it makes me so sleepy that nothing is really going to bother me much, which is not exactly conducive to child rearing but it's better than me throwing the baby potty across the room because my kid peed on the floor while looking me dead in the eyes like a tiny psycho. I have always condoned OTHER people taking these kinds of meds, but when it comes to myself I have a Depression Era (how ironic) olde tyme man that pops into my head and tells me to chin up, and take it like a man. He may also be dancing the Charleston, but not in a charming way- seriously, it's so condescending you guys. I still feel like I've let my olde tyme man down a little, but he is also kind of a dick, and not a little bit judgey..also he doesn't have twins to deal with as far as I know so I'm thinking I'm gonna defriend him (or hide him from my feed at minimum).
I still cry really randomly, and at dumb stuff. I definitely enjoy my alone time with my juice box (ie boxed wine) when things get really rough, or because it's Tuesday. But I have to look in the mirror on the exterior of the medicine cabinet before I open it to access the bottle of pills, and thus far- I'm okay with who I'm seeing. Sure I'm a little gray, a little more sallow and tired looking, but I'm keeping it together without white knuckling it these days. I'm okay with who I see.
